Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Dear Dr. Resnick.....

I decided to apply to be secretary for my little sister's "therapy business". Below is my resume....

Dear Dr. Resnick,
I have heard amazing things about your therapy business and would be honored to work as your secretary. Attached below is my resume---hopefully you find it satisfactory. 
  1. I most certainly deserve the job because I am a highly qualified secretary. I have worked at gas stations, lawyer offices, and I even once got the President his coffee. As you can tell, I have a massive amount of experience and frankly am the best person for the job. 
  2. Skills: I have an enormous skill set that would be very beneficial to your rapidly- expanding business. I know how to read, speak English, write (but only certain words), re-stock tissue boxes AND I even know how to answer phone calls (I went to college for that one). I am incredibly skilled in all things of the almighty secretarial desk. 
  3. Personal interests: I am a very interesting person with what I see as a great array of hobbies. I love taking walks, eating chocolate, and reading romance books written by teenagers. If I am feeling quite daring, I might do things like  go to the market- but I don’t that often as I am not really a peoples’ person. 
  4. Experience : As I said before, I have worked at gas stations all across the country, law offices, and even gave the President his coffee (he didn’t look very happy to see me). I am also proud to say I have been abducted by both aliens AND Edward the vampire from Twilight. From the first experience, I now know how to play dead. From the second experience--well, I don’t think it would be appropriate to describe that there. Let’s just say vampire. woods. rainbows.  I am also practicing my skills all the time by answering the phone when it rings at my house. Once, I even stopped mid- evacuating my bowels to answer the phone. It was quite an experience and has taught me a lot. I would be happy to do the same for your business. 
  5. Name: Elizabeth Bokurkinksunnkskunksloplmn (please make sure you say my name properly- so far, no one has been able to (including myself) but I know you are smart, Dr. Resnick)
  6. Background: I have a very impressive background. In my early years, I would work as a car washer for my dad. Then, when I was a teen, I started to illegally work at a Walmart downtown. I am also a professional banana seller and have a license to teach monkeys how to dance. Once, I even worked as operator of the front desk for a local 5$ motel, but that completely ended. I have also robbed a bank, taught my dog how to sit, eating squid, answered the phone, built my own diorama out of dead skunks, AND I recently learned what a computer was. 
Dr Resnick- I really hope you consider me for the job offer. Frankly, I think I am the best you’re gonna get. My extraordinarily impressive resume and home baked pumpkin bread (my 12 cats helped me) will, I believe, show you that I am extremely qualified. 
Best of Wishes, 
Elizabeth Bokurkinksunnkskunksloplmn 
ElizabethBokurkinksunnkskunksloplmn@Bokurkinksunnkskunksloplmn .bork

- Scatterbrain Sam

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