Dear Dr. Resnick.....

I decided to apply to be secretary for my little sister's "therapy business". Below is my resume....


Dear Dr. Resnick,
I have heard amazing things about your therapy business and would be honored to work as your secretary. Attached below is my resume---hopefully you find it satisfactory. 

1. I most certainly deserve the job because I am a highly qualified secretary. I have worked at gas stations, lawyer offices, and I even once got the President his coffee. As you can tell, I have a massive amount of experience and frankly am the best person for the job. 
2. Skills: I have an enormous skill set that would be very beneficial to your rapidly- expanding business. I know how to read, speak English, write (but only certain words), re-stock tissue boxes AND I even know how to answer phone calls (I went to college for that one). I am incredibly skilled in all things of the almighty secretarial desk. 
3. Personal interests: I am a very interesting person with what I see as a great array of hobbies. I love taking walks, eating chocolate, and reading romance books written by teenagers. If I am feeling quite daring, I might do things like  go to the market- but I don’t that often as I am not really a peoples’ person. 
4. Experience : As I said before, I have worked at gas stations all across the country, law offices, and even gave the President his coffee (he didn’t look very happy to see me). I am also proud to say I have been abducted by both aliens AND Edward the vampire from Twilight. From the first experience, I now know how to play dead. From the second experience--well, I don’t think it would be appropriate to describe that there. Let’s just say vampire. woods. rainbows.  I am also practicing my skills all the time by answering the phone when it rings at my house. Once, I even stopped mid- evacuating my bowels to answer the phone. It was quite an experience and has taught me a lot. I would be happy to do the same for your business. 
5. Name: Elizabeth Bokurkinksunnkskunksloplmn (please make sure you say my name properly- so far, no one has been able to (including myself) but I know you are smart, Dr. Resnick)
6. Background: I have a very impressive background. In my early years, I would work as a car washer for my dad. Then, when I was a teen, I started to illegally work at a Walmart downtown. I am also a professional banana seller and have a license to teach monkeys how to dance. Once, I even worked as operator of the front desk for a local 5$ motel, but that completely ended. I have also robbed a bank, taught my dog how to sit, eating squid, answered the phone, built my own diorama out of dead skunks, AND I recently learned what a computer was. 

Dr Resnick- I really hope you consider me for the job offer. Frankly, I think I am the best you’re gonna get. My extraordinarily impressive resume and home baked pumpkin bread (my 12 cats helped me) will, I believe, show you that I am extremely qualified. 

Best of Wishes, 

Elizabeth Bokurkinksunnkskunksloplmn 

ElizabethBokurkinksunnkskunksloplmn@Bokurkinksunnkskunksloplmn .bork


- Scatterbrain Sam

Cookie Misadventures

Today, I woke up and decided that I would achieve the impossible.......make a batch of cookies. In the past, this daring endeavor has resulted in:
a). Something on fire
b). Cookie soup
c). low self-esteem
Even though I have failed countless times, I really believed that this time would be different. What’s the definition of insanity again? Doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results? Not only do I lack cookie abilities, but I am going insane too. Awesome.

I found a recipe, got all my supplies laid out, and dug my hands in. Half an hour and one messy kitchen later, the dough was done and cooking in the oven. At this point I was feeling pretty good, starting to actually believe that I was capable of this. But then, out of the blue, this terrible feeling overcame me. Wanting to make this moment as dramatic as possible, I slowly turned around to see a forgotten cup of baking soda on the counter.

With a gasp, I turned to the oven to see my cookies melted into, yup, cookie soup. Again.

Through much time and professionally made cookies, I have come to terms with the fact that I, Sam, can never pursue baker as a career choice.

Is that really the end of the world?
-Scatterbrain Sam

Blue Pee, Tests, and Writers Block

My dear readers (or should I say grandma?), I would like to apologize for my recent lack of blog posts. I was terribly ill (and actually hospitalized). My parents, worried, took me to specialist after specialist. Six shots and a blood test later, they couldn't figure out what was wrong. But that didn't stop them from throwing in a second blood test in for good measure. Finally, I saw a therapist, and she diagnosed me with the nightmare of all nightmares: writers block. It is a nasty little sickness that turns your brain into mush every time you try to write. Unfortunately, I suffered from all six of it’s symptoms:

1. Inability to fill a blank page
2. frustration
3. daydreams of bananas
4. stuffy nose
5. terrible ideas, such as a blog post about writer’s block
6. and, of course, blue pee
I even tried all the usual cures, such as sleeping, aspirin, and even watching “Legally Blonde”, but it didn't work. As a last ditch effort, I tortured myself with a tub of chocolate ice cream and some Internet-surfing, but to no prevail. At last, after months of therapy, I figured out what was wrong: there was a block physically tied to my head, with the word "writers" on it. No wonder I couldn’t write! Upon untying the “writers block” from my head, the word’s flowed out freely again, just like my blue pee.
- Scatterbrain Sam

A Lethargic Hippo Goes to Rehab

Though unwillingly, I have to admit that my little sister is so much smarter than me. Yes, I have a blog, but that can’t compete with the fact that at age 10, she has both a degree (written very artfully in pink crayon) in psychology AND a local therapy business.  So I made an appointment with Dr. Natasha. Upon entering her very expensive office, I was greeted by a friendly “receptionist” (the role also played by Tasha) and instructed to lie down on the couch and relax. Once Dr. Tasha entered, she got straight down to business. “I promise to help, but first it’s going to cost you $5.00.” So I put my money into the bag, excuse me “bank”, and told her I was ready. “Okay, here it is: you have turned into a potato-chip-eating couch-hugging lethargic hippo who’s only exercise is clicking a mouse. I know it’s harsh, but now that you accept the truth I will help you fix this “problem”. Starting right now, you are officially enrolled in digital rehab.” First of all, where did a 10 year old learn the word “rehab”? Second of all, wow- she’s good. So the doctor hid my computer and threatened to throw a book at me if I asked for it back. Sometimes the only way to learn is the hard way.....

There were 6 different stages of “rehab” that I went through:

1. Denial- “What do you mean I have a problem? Yes, maybe I spend every waking hour on Face-book, and ignore my friends, and don’t spend quality time with my family, but is that really a bad thing?”
2. Anger- “Doctor, I am going to count to three and if you don’t hand that computer over, then Mr. Teddy Bear is going bye-bye!”
3. Bargaining- “If you give me my computer, I will let you have my shirt that you like so much”
4. Guilt- “I feel so guilty for being a lethargic hippo and over-using my computer. I’m sorry. Can I have it back now?”
5. Depression- “The whole world is grey to my eyes. I see no color without my laptop and Face-book. I’m such a worthless human being.”
6. Hope- “I feel like this is a good thing, my whole life is going to change for the better. Bye bye, computer.”
So if you have any of your own problems, I seriously suggest making an appointment with Dr. Tasha. She ain’t cheap, but she will get the job done. Ok, I got to go-
Dr. Tasha is coming in.
-Scatterbrain Sam

*this is original art. 

Mid-Teen Crisis

As I watch my 14th birthday rapidly approach, I have been hit with the question, “Where is my life going?”. After seeing therapists and reading some books and then some new therapists and then even starting an ask.com thread, I was hit with the other unfortunate realization that I am going through a mid-life crisis mid-way through my teen years. Uh-oh.

I will be turning 14 and I don’t have a job, my own apartment, a car, I can’t do my own taxes.... Hell, I can’t even do my own laundry. I’m still living with my parents, I don’t go to college, I haven’t found my life partner, I don’t have kids, I don’t even have a credit card! I have suddenly realized how old I am getting, and this morning I even found a gray hair in my brush! And all of this was brought on by that birthday. I mean, what person thought, “Hey, I have an amazing idea! Once a year, lets remind people they are getting older and closer to dying. Then we can push them to have a nervous breakdown! Sounds fun, right?”

Jerk.

Birthdays really make you rethink yourself, and who wants to do that?

Also, when ever you get older, people start getting these weird notions in their heads, like “Now that you are 14, you should be more mature,” or “Sam, 14-year-olds dress themselves”. Where are people getting these ideas from? But at the end of the day, a birthday is really celebrating your existence on this lovely planet called Earth and that is still a joyous occasion to be shared with family and friends. So yes, for any relatives reading this, presents and a lot of sugar are still required and will be expected on my birthday.
-Scatterbrain Sam

* Photo taken from http://www.onlinehappybirthday.com/img
/funny-birthday/crazy-cake.gif 

The Bathtub Monster

There aren’t a lot of things that scare me and even then there are only one or two exceptions. Those few things are spiders, mosquitoes, ants, snakes, the color pink, the ocean, sharks, clowns, mint toothpaste, and the loud noise a toilet makes when you flush it. As you can see, I’m a pretty tough person who doesn’t believe in irrational fears. When something does scare me, all I want to do is curl up in a

fetal position

on the floor of my room,

barricaded in by pillows

and my trusted stuffed animals.

I’m sure you have a few of your own fears too, but don’t be ashamed about them. Everyone does and the important thing is to overcome them. If I had never gotten over my fears, that I wouldn’t be eating Teriyaki noodles for lunch right now or my bathroom would not have orange-colored soap. Even animals are scared of things. For example, my puppy Teddy is terrified of both the vacuum AND the pool guy.

A great way to overcome something scary is thinking about how silly the fear is. For example, I used to be scared of baths. Is the bathtub really going to hunt me down and scare me in the middle of the night? No. Can the bathtub kill me? Well, I could drown or hit my head or ingest too much soap or get burned with scalding water until I die, but besides all those, no. The bathtub can’t kill me. So I overcame my fear and am no longer scared of the bath. The fact that my family threatened to kick me out if I didn’t clean myself might have contributed, but the point is that at the end of the day, I overcame the fear and moved on. Try to overcome some of your own fears because in the end it will make you a better, stronger person.

Trust me,  

I’m 13.

I know what I’m talking about.

-Scatterbrain Sam

* This original piece of artwork is by me if you like it,
 by some random dude on the web if you don't.

I Scored a 33% on my New Years Resolution

As I was attempting to “clean” my room, I chanced upon a certain list from a certain recent new year that I certainly hid on purpose in the darkest corner of my room so that I would never find it again. Well, I found it again and sure am regretting it. A well-known tradition of the new year is making a resolution of all the things you are going to pretend to work on for about a week before giving up. I made a list, looked at it once just to say I did, and then hid it so I could happily forget it and move on with my life. Now I have to live with the truth that it has been three months since the New Year and I haven’t improved at all.  For example, one thing on my list was to do more community service. As shown with my previous post, in that regard all I have managed to do is hurt the success of a genocide walk (the whole stand is still on my desk, with an ignored post-it note telling me to return it). Another thing on my list was to meditate more. That didn’t work either. The one thing I did do on my list successfully was to hide the list and forget about it for awhile. 1 out of 3! Not too bad..... Still, I hate that list. I feel like it is taunting me, calling me a loser and lowering my self-esteem for not following it. So if you unfortunately dig up your own list, don’t beat yourself up too much about it. At the end of the day, no matter how much that piece of paper calls you names, it is still just a piece of paper that you can throw away. In fact, follow my example and do what I did- throw it away.

-Scatterbrain Sam

* picture taken from http://tonyaleigh.com/wp-content
/uploads/2010/12/resolutions-11.jpg,  from the site Psychology  Today

A Genocide Walk for Two

I woke up this morning with a relatively rare feeling of wanting to help my fellow man. I know this makes me sound horrible, but I always want to help, I just don't usually get around to doing it. Luckily this morning was different; I really felt inspired. So, I went to the local bagel shop and checked out some of the community service offers. This outburst of generosity might have been spurred on by the fact that I can’t pass my grade if I don’t do 10 hours of service, but I like to tell myself that it is because very, very deep down, I am a good person. I also decided to drag my brother into doing it too, just because picking up dirty napkins on the beach is a lot more fun with someone else around. My brother is a very fun person to hang around, and he is always genuinely trying to help; he just doesn’t quite get it right sometimes. While I turned my back on him in the bagel store to investigate a potential tree-planting opportunity, my brother saw one of those big stands advertising a walk to end genocide. Attached to the stand is a roll of pamphlets, and you are supposed to take one. My brother didn’t exactly understand the only taking ONE part, so he decided to grab the whole stand. I didn’t realize this until we got home, and by then it was too late to return it. So when we show up for the walk, we’ll know why we are the only ones there! If nothing else good came out of this, it did provide a good half an hour of laughing on the ground hysterically as my brother stood there with a confused look on his face. So we went in there hoping to provide our services and help, and left possibly endangering the success of a genocide walk. Great. See, this is why I don’t volunteer a lot! If you ever find yourself in a bagel shop, looking to volunteer, just remember to only take ONE informational card and not the whole stand!

-Scatterbrain Sam

*Photo taken from Jewish World Watch- 

http://www.jewishworldwatch.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/picwalk-homepage-rotator-.jpg

The 3 Emotional Stages of Spring Cleaning

With the smell of spring in the air, I have felt the uncontrollable urge to do some dusting, cleaning, re-arranging, and organizing of my room. This would be a completely normal thing to do in spring......if I was a 40 year-old house-wife and mother of three. As a 13 teen year-old girl, choosing to clean her room over texting her friends is a little bit out of the ordinary. I think what drives me is the fact that organization is the one thing I can never quite achieve. There are also some basic signs that suggest it’s time. For example, when you have forgotten the color of your carpet; it’s a sign. When you find your toothbrush in a pile of clothes under your pillow; it’s also a sign. But everytime I attempt to clean my room (which is about once a week) it ends in complete and total disaster. There are three stages of emotion that I go through when trying to spring-clean (or just clean at all). At first, I am emotionally stable and very excited to finally organize my room. I put on my “cleaning” outfit, pull out a duster, and even spend 30 minutes going through my itunes library to find inspirational music to keep me going. By the time I go through the second stage, my room is ten times worse and looks like a tornado swept through. Once I have fully gotten frustrated at my inability to get anything done, I spiral down into the last stage- complete denial and deep depression about my lack of cleaning abilities. I went in there with a feeling of excitement and a pretty clean room and leave with sadness and an even messier room. So before trying to do your own spring cleaning- really sit down and think about the affects it will have on your emotional health. Other than that, enjoy and I hope you have better than luck than me at it!

-Scatterbrain Sam

Meditation+Me=Impossible

For the past week, I have been trying to meditate so as to calm down my brain and focus on one thing at a time; at least, that is what’s supposed to happen if a meditative state is achieved. I followed every step perfectly, sitting with my feet on top of my knees (which is torture in itself for a person who can’t even touch her toes), put my hands palm-up on top of my legs, and I even did the whole throat-humming thing. In theory, I was great at meditating except for the whole, well, meditation part. You are not supposed to think about anything, but rather just be. Every time I tried to do just that, my mind would just trail off in random directions, such as, "I wonder why the sky is blue. My leg is itchy. I have to go pee”. Then I ended up just thinking to myself, “Stop thinking! Clear your mind! Stop thinking!” As you can see, that wasn’t working out. Thus I did the only honorable thing left: give up. I have come to accept the fact that meditation and Sam just don't go in the same sentence, and even if I could do it I don't think I would want too. My 13 year old mind might just not be sophisticated enough to fully grasp meditation, so I find myself doing other calming activities instead (such as baking, taking a walk, etc). So if you are one of those people who can meditate successfully, then I admire you unconditionally; I just don’t want to be you.

-Scatterbrain Sam

Easter for the Jews

As a proud Jewish member of my community, I am so excited because spring time has finally arrived, and with spring comes EASTER!!! I started planning an egg hunt for my friends since the end of the last candy-packed holiday, Halloween. My family and  I are not half Catholic half Jewish either, we are fully Jewish but make an exception for Easter. A couple years ago, I went to an Easter egg hunt at a local neighborhood. I got so serious about finding the most eggs that I full on body tackled this little 5-year-old girl so that I would reach the last egg! I was completely unashamed after the fact too... to the point of performing a half-crazed victory dance and calling her a loser. As you can see, my obsession with this holiday is a bit on the unhealthy (and potentially dangerous) side. I even send out invitations for the egg hunt, titling it , “Easter for the Jews.” With the new addition to my family though (my absolutely adorable puppy Teddy) it might be a little more difficult to hide the eggs in our backyard, but I am still excited as ever! So enjoy your own Easter festivities, and hopefully you won’t get as crazy as I do!

-Scatterbrain Sam

Depression Ads that Make you Depressed...

Going back to my first post for a second, has anyone else besides me noticed just how bad all the medical ads are? First of all, half of the ads are just spent informing you of all the risks with taking their medicine. This is especially bad with all the ads for depression. I might have been totally happy, non-suicidal and loving life before seeing one of these ads, but by the end of them I am depressed enough to actual need their medicine. I guess that’s a job well done for the advertising company! The worst part is every time I see one of these ads, it is on a channel like Nickelodeon (yes, that means I, 13, still watch those channels). Do these companies really expect there to be a lot of depressed 6 year-olds out there? So, if you can sense that one of these horrible ads are coming on, please do yourself a favor and avert your eyes.

-Scatterbrain Sam

*This depressing picture is taken from http://dailyplateofcrazy.com/page/14/,
and it originated in the ad by Pristiq

What's Up with all the Balls?

Through out my long, eventful life of 13 years, I have seen some pretty wacky trends, but recently I have noticed a scary pattern in stores across L.A. Stores have some-how decided that people will want to buy balls as decoration. Balls are officially in season. I hope people aren’t wasting their money on such a stupid thing- I’m sure not paying $50.00 for a set of three wooden balls to sit in a bowl in my house. I’ve been known to waste my money on silly things ( I once bought a bottle of canned air for $20.00, maybe I should spray that in a bowl and call it decoration!), but I know when to draw the line. This isn’t some abnormality in only a couple stores either, the balls have showed up in over 10 different locations. Global warming might make me a little worried, the possibility of Sarah Palin as president had made me a little worried, but stores trying to sell me balls makes me seriously worried for the future.

-Scatterbrain Sam

Let's Start at the Beginning

The human brain is the most powerful, organized organ in the body since is has to control all the other organs. My brain does the powerful part fine, but the “organized” part not so much. Maria (from the “Sound of Music”, who is also flighty as a feather) and I have more in common than just our attention spans though- I don’t think I would do  very well as a nun either (especially since I am Jewish!). I think the biggest thing that makes it so annoying to those around me is that I can’t finish something before moving on. For example, when I start an art project I don’t usually finish it, when I start doing homework I mysteriously end up on the computer, and when I go to the bathroom I don’t pull my pants up.  Thus, this blog is going to be constantly changing topics because I would get way too bored with one. One day it could be a funny thing that happened in my life, the next wondering why depression medical ads are so damn depressing.

-Scatterbrain Sam

*photo taken from fellow blog http://mosburgerrocks.blogspot.com/